Definitely maybe

Maybe I'm not the perfect girl for anyone, I mean, maybe that's the thing. I've been waiting all my life direct or indirectly for the perfect guy and all that stuff. And the point wasn't the perfect guy, the point was to feel that I matter. That I'm available to love someone, to feel empathy for somebody, to do something for someone who cares me, but now, here I am, lost and confused, as always.
Maybe I'm not the girl I thought I am, I mean, maybe that's the thing. I always thought that I'm the kind of person that shows herself like independent and all that shit but knows that she needs somebody to feel completly. Maybe I'm too selfish for be dependable of someone else. Maybe it's just that I don't trust anybody, and one of the consequences is this kind of no-needed personality. Sometimes I think that all I need is a shoulder to cry on, a person who loves me, takes care of me or hugs me but now I realised that maybe I don't need all that. At least, I don't need it as much as I thought.
Maybe I'm not clear with myself. Maybe that's the point of all that. I'm not sincere with my feelings and with my expectations, I mean, I really don't express what I feel. Sometimes it seems to, but I do this job as a part-time job, not as a full-time job: I tell the half truths, I express half feelings, I say half thoughts. Maybe all this chaos, all this I-don't-want-to-see-him is because I'm not totally honest with him. Maybe it's the time to say hey man, I'm upset because I think that I've been doing a lot for you and I think that if I were you, you woudn't have done the same for me. Or maybe something like hey, I'm tired to feel that I'm the only one who cares if our relationship is going well, because it seems that while you know that I'm here, that I'm not moving or doing something strange, it's not necessary to worry about me or whatever I want to do. Or just say hey, I miss that old times when we were two strangers, meeting every saturday for drink coffee, kiss each other with a bit of shame and discover new things.
I don't know. I know that I love you, but something inside me is pushing me to a nonsense loop of discomfort. I want to kiss you but I don't want to see you. I want to be with you but I don't want to talk to you. Maybe is just that I'm insane or something. I really don't know.

Sometimes I just want to run away, maybe that's the solution. Definitely maybe.